Where Do Warriors Go to Weep?
Scrolling through IG recently (as I do when I'm bored), I landed on a clip of Cam Newton talking with Pastor Jamal Bryant on his podcast. The caption was something about Cam responding to claims that he’s “creating broken homes”. But, what caught my attention wasn’t the headline, it was Cam’s words: “Bleeding in public is tough… I have to be strong. Where do lions go to lay? Where do eagles go to cry? Where do warriors go to weep?”
Whew, what a word! I played it again, and listened deeper, just because of the power in the statement! Now let me say this for full transparency: I’ve been a fan of Cam’s shenanigans for years....the fits, the funny ('dat damn Peggy stays cracking me up!), of course his career, and the post career podcast that keeps me laughing and many times, nails the topic perfectly! But of course, like many of us (particularly Black women), I’ve also side-eyed some of the public aspects of his personal life. Still...this conversation, this moment of unexpected vulnerability stopped my entertainment mode and hit me hard, not as a fan, but as a therapist, one whose training and work is specifically entrenched in Sports and Performance work, and it brought me back to many discussions from my early career work.
The next day, I saw another post in a similar vein, this time it was Malcom Jenkins, and his words, literally saying “Don’t Hype Me Up… how as a Black man, he doesn’t enjoy being seen expressing emotion, vulnerability, even joy…that there was no safe space where he could let his guard down that wasn’t dangerous…”. The therapist in me awakened again, and the Black woman in me saddened again, at the remaining, consistent truth in this. that existed well before my early career work, and that was very, very much alive and prominent some 20+ years later….
My early research and clinical work focused heavily on Black male athletes, exploring cultural and athletic identity development, shifting gender roles, hypermasculinity, and emotional intelligence (My dissertation explored these very intersections), and often, after my data collection processes would end, we would continue these “off-the-record” conversations (keeping in mind these were high school, college, and pro (some heading from college to pro) athletes with questions about what I was hoping to "find out about them" from my study, often leading to more discussion regarding what it would take for them to express their real feelings in a safe space. Most said they couldn’t. I mean it would be an overwhelming resounding NO!!! Side note… in hindsight, why I never used this rich qualitative data from these discussions for a continued study later remains one of my biggest regrets!...but I digress….
When we'd delve deeper into these discussions about their fears of this level of vulnerability, they would respond with statements like:
"That sh&% is for females" “No one would take me seriously.” “I don’t even know how to do that.” “That’s not how I was raised.” "Aint no Bi%$ gone see me cry" (we'll delve into that deeper, whole nother conversation for another day) Etc.....
And even when I’d follow up and say y’all do realize how damaging the alternative of not doing anything is? Still...NOPE! I'd point out that in a small way, what they were doing was exactly that with me, literally in that moment, and they’d say: “Yeah, but this isn’t real, you said this wasn't therapy, it's research, so It’s not personal.” These same conversations or versions thereof, kept happening. I started calling it the post discussion "Gladiator Identity" talks (I should have coined that term...still might..but I digress.
But what was clear to me is that what was being represented, truly, was the idea of what we often call in therapy, and more specifically for folks of color, "Wearing the Mask". Performing strength while silently suffering. Carrying pain to protect the performance. Hypermasculinity as armor, especially, particularly in sport, and often, never being taught how to set it down.
So there it was...on full display when I heard Cam's comments...the Mask...the curated identity of toughness and invulnerability that gets praised in sport and punished in real life! Cam’s words and even the metaphors he used to describe the person (warrior) and then the related experience (weeping) reminded me of how deeply that Gladiator Identity still runs, and his comments brought me right back to my earlier work. And how even now, nearly 20 years later, not much has changed. Yes, we’re seeing more conversations, podcasts, and programming around men’s mental health, particularly Black Men's Mental Health.
But the data tells another story, here’s what the data says:
Suicide rates among Black men have increased significantly over the last decade.
Black men are less likely to seek mental health support than any other racial or gender group.
Toxic norms around masculinity, particularly for Black Men and other Men of Color still frame vulnerability as weakness.
So while we’re talking about it more, the reality for many remains unchanged. Black men, and yes, sometimes especially our Black male athletes, still carry the weight of unspoken pain, and the need for safe, culturally competent, emotionally open spaces (and this doesn't even have to mean or represent therapy if appropriate) but the need remains urgent!
So, as we step into Men’s Mental Health Month, I come back to the same questions Cam, Malcolm, and others posed...and the ones that have stayed with me for years even from my early work, and hopefully I hope to pose some potential responses:
Where do our warriors go to weep? Your vulnerability is not weakness. You are allowed to rest, you are allowed to weep. You don’t have to bleed in public to prove your strength, private or protected weeping is okay too!
Where are the spaces where Black men can lay it all down? You don’t have to carry it alone to earn your worth. Your truth deserves space. There are many safe spaces that don't have to look like or be therapy, who can you trust to hold your truth? And if you truly DO need therapy, GET IT!!! Starting with the truth in that is more powerful than you know!
And what are we doing to protect and preserve their right to heal? You are allowed and encouraged to do the work to heal. It's NOT Weak, it's NOT Soft...It IS Human, and that's BEAUTIFUL! And we need to keep building the spaces where that’s possible.
So thanks Cam and Pastor Bryant. Cam for the shenanigans that bring folks to your door, and more importantly also for opening the door for a much needed, overdue, and critical conversation, and thanks Malcom Jenkins for being vulnerable enough to make the post putting soul care in the spotlight and not just traditional healing practices. And thank you to all the others willing to speak this truth in public and open the door for the discussion that hopefully, your questions receive the answers and healing long deserved!
Be Well!
Dr. Carolyn